my blog is dead.
the reason why i am sitting in front of my com at 2.45am when i have a lecture at 8 is simple:
i am wondering what/who i am.
sure, this might sound trite and irrational but it has been a strong and personal source of negativity.
I went around looking in people, books, novels, celebrities whom i strongly believed - this belief more or less fuelled by a secret desperation - had traces of common thoughts but after a while, it becomes a tiring mess because i do not know what i am looking for.
Or rather, i do not understand the words that constitute my name.
I doubt i can be thoroughly defined but i need some semblance of what i can call myself.
well, if i could, i would be delighted to start from ground zero.
I am amazed at the number of "I"s i have used in my entire life without truly comprehending them.
to play a game, you must understand your enemy.
well, this is a very tiring game because you are pitting yourself against everyone else, including the other "you-s" whom you have no idea whether they are "you-s" in the first place.
it is like a big stampede.
and,
my heart, head hurts and everything else throbs.
it is undeniably all in the mind; an illusion because you/i never had a place to begin with.
if i need a solution, it is to recouncile my brain with physical pain.
Then (and only then), real pain is when you realised that you never disappeared; you were never there because you never existed.
The funny thing about them is they hide in corners, crevices, nooks and spaces - you are never able to catch them- when faced with outstanders, the common public.
Like shy domestic animals.
if that is the case, i rather be in private with my grief forever.
i am wondering what/who i am.
sure, this might sound trite and irrational but it has been a strong and personal source of negativity.
I went around looking in people, books, novels, celebrities whom i strongly believed - this belief more or less fuelled by a secret desperation - had traces of common thoughts but after a while, it becomes a tiring mess because i do not know what i am looking for.
Or rather, i do not understand the words that constitute my name.
I doubt i can be thoroughly defined but i need some semblance of what i can call myself.
well, if i could, i would be delighted to start from ground zero.
I am amazed at the number of "I"s i have used in my entire life without truly comprehending them.
to play a game, you must understand your enemy.
well, this is a very tiring game because you are pitting yourself against everyone else, including the other "you-s" whom you have no idea whether they are "you-s" in the first place.
it is like a big stampede.
and,
my heart, head hurts and everything else throbs.
it is undeniably all in the mind; an illusion because you/i never had a place to begin with.
if i need a solution, it is to recouncile my brain with physical pain.
Then (and only then), real pain is when you realised that you never disappeared; you were never there because you never existed.
The funny thing about them is they hide in corners, crevices, nooks and spaces - you are never able to catch them- when faced with outstanders, the common public.
Like shy domestic animals.
if that is the case, i rather be in private with my grief forever.
